Positive takes on losing to Stanford (again)

By Brandt Hamilton • November 08, 2013

Photo by michael arellano Photo by michael arellano

Last night, the beloved Oregon Ducks lost to noted ferret rubber Kevin Hogan and his Stanford Cardinal for the second year in a row. The loss makes any shot at a national title virtually impossible. Though Eugene seems even cloudier and darker than usual, there are (some) positive take aways from the game.

1)   The ‘We Want Bama’ shirts still serve the same purpose they did last week: showing which of your friends are complete gaping assholes.

I’m not positive on this, but I think that in order to buy a “We Want Bama” shirt you had to be either a freshman from Southern California, or at least a level 6 asshole (often the two intersect, I know this because I’m from Orange County).  I would never talk to the two scumbags who made these atrocities, but I hypothesize that in order to buy a shirt you had to answer yes to questions like “Are you cool with wearing black-face for a Halloween costume?” “Do you still say the word ‘fag’ as much as you did in middle school?” and “Do you steal every street sign around town?” The test was probably oral; as the majority of the shirt’s purchasers are illiterate– not because of a mental condition, but because the kind of idiots that bought these shirts are the same fuckers who say things like “I’m like really smart, I just like don’t apply myself.” Losing to Stanford this week means that asshole awareness increases tenfold, as anyone still wearing those shirts was either never a true fan or is trying way too hard to be ironic.

2)   It might be easier to get student tickets this weekend

Every Sunday night during the fall, GoDucks.com breaks the hearts of thousands of true ducks fans. The student section isn’t big enough to accommodate the large influx of tuition payers trying to see their favorite team, and as you know our football team couldn’t possibly afford to extend the student section. However, this Sunday there’s hope. All those kids who normally dip during half time are going to be so busy filling out their transfer requests to Florida State University that they won’t remember to log into student account. Also, there are a lot of people who don’t quite understand how the college football season works (in their defense who the fuck does). For example, last night, I went to a viewing party for the game, and upon losing, this one girl asked “So does this mean there’s no more duck games for the rest of the year?” Now, in this situation, we could have all helped her out and explained that we have two more home games. Instead, everyone just stayed quiet. Real quiet. Like, grandpa just said some anti-semitic shit at Thanksgiving quiet. The more people off of GoDucks.com from 6-10 PM for the next three Sundays the better.

3)   Our athletes don’t tweet fucking lame things like this:

Sure, De’Anthony Thomas says a lot of crazy stuff on twitter in all capital letters. But at least his tweets are fucking interesting. Look at how the Stanford Cardinal’s running back Tyler Gaffney (or as he likes to call himself, “Ty Gaff”) uses the Internet:

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Right, because pirates are infamous for having really patchy beards. The only pirates known for having spotty ass beards don’t walk planks or hangout with Johnny Depp. Nope, patchy bearded pirates just download music illegally.  Also, who the fuck is debating your beard Tyler Gaffney? You have 1,996 followers. Thomas has 35 times DAT. #YoureWelcomeBitch

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WAIT… Why is he lubing up his armpits?! WHY IS HE LUBING UP HIS ARMPITS?!#$! I think what Gaffney is getting at is that he either has such crusty underarms that it has rendered him immobile from the waist up, or that he has the need to go shoulder deep into something…

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I’ve spent the majority of my morning debating if this was racist or not.

THE BIG TAKE AWAY

Stanford beat us fair and square. They were the better team last night and it really, really hurts. But let’s not forget that this is still one of the best Oregon Ducks teams there’s ever been, and instead of bailing like it’s round two of the Autzen monsoon against Cal, we need to stick with our motherfucking team. It’s not the end of the world, it just feels like it is.

  • Brandt Hamilton

    Greatest article I’ve ever read

  • Jacob B. Salzberg

    “Nice”-Conor Armor, ’99

  • Vicki Smith

    Thanks I needed that!